*ring ring* -(wife)- Baby I just need to see you now. It's just so miserable without you.
-(male voice) - Ha Ha Ha you like what I did huh
- (wife in a quivering voice) - yes yes
- (male voice) - but what about your husband?
- (wife) - umm don't worry about that, I got that handled just come get me around 5 pm
- (male voice) - Fa Realzzzzzzz, I got u
-phone hangs up-
( 4::45pm comes and the male voice picks the female voice up)
*car door slams shut and the patrons lock in a passionate kiss*
- (wife) - Damn it's so good to see you. I can't wait to get home
- (male voice) - Home??? Isn't that where we just left?
-(wife) - nah, nah, nah I told you I gots this right? So what you saying.. me and you can't have a home together?
-(male voice) - nah not at all baby, but i mean you're marr.... (wife stops him from speaking by placing her finger over his mouth)
- (wife) - watch this
(wife picks up her cell phone and sends this text message)
-txt msg- ....Oh my gosh baby I've been kidnapped
(then turns her phone off)
- (male voice) - what did you say
- (wife) - Baby do you trust me?
- (male voice) - i mean yeh but i'm just askn
-(wife) - don't worry your little self about that, just worry about tonight ok
(male voice breaks out into a smile and replies) Oh I GOTS THAT!!! Hope you ready for the Chocolate Thunder HA HA HA (then he turns up the radio beating that independent remix to 50 Cent's song by indie artist Double Nickles and Miho - Have a Baby by me and Be A Brokennaire)
(Meanwhile at the Husband's job)
- (husband) - OH SH*T WTF - (he runs over to his manager shaking nervously) - hey can I leave I just got a text that said my wife was kidnapped and she's not picking up her phone
- (manager) - Wow umm ... yea go go ... call us as soon as you know what's going on
(husband turns around without saying a word and sprints out the office doors. He is now breaking every existing and imagined speed limit and traffic law.)
*BEEP BEEP of the horn* - (husband) - MOVE THE F&*K OUT THE WAY!!!!!!
(husband slams the car in park and runs into the apartment without closing either the car or apartment door and yells) -(husband) - BEY! BEY! HEY BEY! you here
(he is now in full on panic mode crying his eyes out. The dogs are barking loud and then runs out the front door back to his car to get his phone)
*Ring Ring* (operator)- 911 what's your emergency
(crying hysterically) - (husband) - ey wuf has been kdznapsssssssssss
- (operator)- Sir calm down I can't understand you. Take a few deep breaths and say what you said slowly
(in a whimpering voice)-(husband) - My wife was kidnapped *sniff sniff*
(operator obtains all the husband's information and dispatches several cars)
(officers and several U.S. Marshals arrive at the home to begin questioning the husband)
-(Marshal 1) - Sir no worries we will do everything in our power to bring your wife back safe
(next day)
(somewhere in Metro Atlanta, GA)
- (laying in bed staring at the ceiling) (male voice) - damn baby last night was the ish? Mos def handled that...Ha Ha Ha but wait are you going home today?
- (wife)- Oh you got some jokes today huh? (breaks out into laughter) Nah seriously though stop asking I told you I handled it. (she rolls over and lays on his chest) Trust me I'm here to stay
(talking through a big smile on his face)- (male voice) - Fa Realzzz baby ... thats why u my main
(now it's 7:30pm and one of the Marshals run into a room where several officers are discussing the case)
- (Marshal 2) - Sir we got a lock on that cell phone it appears the phone is right here (pointing to a map)
- (Marshal 1) - Get everyone ready and let's roll
(Officers, Marshal's, and S.W.A.T arrive at the location at 9:00 pm)
- (Marshal 1) - Ok let's proceed with caution. We don't know what's behind this door. Everyone safety's off.
*Knock Knock*
- (male voice) - Who is it
- (Marshal 1) - U.S. Marshal's Service OPEN THE DOOR
(male opens the door and is visibly shaken after opening the door and seeing 10 officers in the hallway) - (male voice) H-H-H-How can I help you
- (Marshal 1) - Have you seen this woman?
- (male voice) - Yea thats *bleep* she's in the back
(Officers storm the house and throw the male voice on the ground and slap handcuffs on him)
-(male voice) - WTF I didnt do nuthing
-(Marshal 1) - You and You go to the back; see if you can find the woman
(wife walks out the bedroom, to the front on the phone to see what's going on...two officers approach her)
- (Officer 1) - Ma'am are you safe
-(screaming) - (wife) Yes I am WTF is going on
-(Officer 1) - That man kidnapped you right? We are here to take you home
-(wife)- No he didn't kidnap me .. WTF are you talking abou....(It suddenly hits her like a 18 wheeler hitting a telephone poll)
(jumping up)- (Marshal 1) - Let me see your phone (and swiftly takes the phone from her)
(Marshal 1 is now thumbing through text messages and the wife starts to cry hysterically)
- (Marshal 1) - Officer 1 please arrest her
(Officer 1 places handcuffs on her)
-(looking at the male voice who is looking up at her from the floor with big eyes) - (sobbing) - (wife)- I'm so sorry
-(male voice yelling) - (male voice) - SORRY my ass!!! what the hell... I never kidnapped you ... why you lying on me? You said you handled this.. you said you left him for me!!!
- (wife) - I know ... I know... i'm so-o-o-o-rrrry
(Marshal 1 sorts things out and let's the male voice go and takes the wife to jail for charges of False Report of a Crime)
***************************************
Ok this is a gross exaggration of the actual events, however the events did occur. A 24 year old wife in the Metro Atlanta area sent the above text message to her husband saying she was kidnapped. Speculation is leading everyone to believe she was (queues up R. Kelly - DownLow) on the Down Low Down Low
(someone from the audience yells) Fa REALLZZZZZZ
Yea fa realz!
This is why I feel anyone under a certain age should have a psych exam before you getting married. I mean you see what the slightly off and reality challenged indivdual does when they attempt to make adult decisions too soon. This is a disease called imsodumbidontknowititis. This person had to have that to believe she could fake a kidnapping, so she could creep LMAO. I mean #comeonson
Until next time... Thanks for reading the OUTER LIMITS: Real Stories ripped from the headlines juiced up OURBLOC.com style
Written by: Ran
ran@ourbloc.com
Follow Ran on Twitter @RannyRan
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1 comment:
hehe! rolling over here!
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